only because it feels like words cannot possibly explain all of the random shit that pops in my head when I think about him.

I told him last night I was at this crossing in my life. I could either sit back and be comfortable with him - be 100% committed and never look back. OR, I could sever the ties we have with one another and figure it our from there. I told him that either way there was a probable chance I'd be happy with either choice. The problem is that I can't choose.

And he is so in love with me that he won't let go. Sometimes I wish he'd just let go so at least I could say he was the one that did it. The funny thing is that I can't let go of him either. I think about not talking to him every night and my heart HURTS. bad. But that's another problem - do we love each other? Or am I just addicted? To I want him, or do I need him? I'd prefer the former to the latter.

Then, after we sort of make - up, we're lying in my bed and I am this close to falling asleep. He grabs my hand and puts it around his chest and he says "Baby?" I acknowledged his voice - "Will you be my girlfriend?"

my heart started beating. but not that good kind of beating where you're so excited you feel like your heart might explode into butterflies or something. It was the kind of beating where I felt like a volcano or earthquake was about to break my ribs apart. I told him I was scared and I wasn't ready. Which is the truth. But I don't think he understands how solemn I feel about this situation. i don't think he will every understand how I feel.

BECAUSE my heart and my mind are enbattled. I constantly doubt myself - and believe me, this is not a justification of any sorts. I am just being honest here...my doubts are eating me up alive. But whose to say they'll stop if I break up with, or stay with Matt?

I don't know what to do. fuck.